A Whole New Man
by SHADO Commander
Summary: The secret backstory of one of Kim Possible's most important supporting characters is revealed... and it's not what you'd expect!   You may be shocked.  You may be surprised.  And you MAY just find yourself saying "Hey, now suddenly it all makes sense!"


(Author's notes at bottom)

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A Whole New Man

A speculative beginning by SHADO Commander

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"Okay, this is going to be painful," the surgeon's voice warned from somewhere outside the cloud of gauze and bandages that had been his whole world for three weeks.

"Doc," The man replied tersely, "I stopped a hand grenade with my face. Don't talk to me about painful."

"Even so," the doctor warned. "We did the best we could, but you must understand that you will look nothing like you did before the operation."

"And I'm cool with that," the man growled. "Hell, as much as I liked the old puss, it'll be a relief not to have people going for their guns as soon as I enter the room. Now are you going to show me what I look like or do I have to tear these bandages off myself?"

"As you wish," the doctor sighed, and there was the sound of scissors snipping away at the fabric. Gradually the cocoon of cloth surrounding him grew lighter and lighter and then, finally it fell away to reveal a mirror… and his new face.

"OH MY GOD!" the man ejaculated. "OH MY GOD!"

His hands flew up to the top of his head. "My hair! Where's my beautiful hair?"

"Sadly, the roots were destroyed and the scar tissue remaining was too thick to attempt a transplant," The plastic surgeon informed him. "Perhaps, in time… maybe several years, we can attempt to move some of the hairs from your backside and legs to fill in the holes. In the meantime, the best we could do was this synthetic fiber. And on the plus side, it will never need to be cut."

"aa…aaa…" The man gagged, now looking at his jaw. It had been classically strong and chiseled, now it was… well it was still large, but now it was also ROUND. And he looked… OLD… not as in doddering down the steps old, but much closer to his actual age than he had ever looked before.

"I look… like a gym teacher," The man seemed on the edge of crying. "Not even the kind who coaches winning football teams! This is the face of someone who substitutes for drivers Ed and Family Health classes!"

"Which is good, since that's extremely close to your new cover," the third person in the room finally spoke. "Your previous body guarding position has been taken over by someone a little less… confrontational. To be honest, you were really over-qualified there, but our initial analysis had indicated that inserting a man with multiple degrees and extreme combat training would be a wise precaution. However, since you're essentially a new man now and your previous charges have been downgraded in terms of their value to our side, we've opted to move you to a role where your covert skills will be more relevant."

"Oh?" the man turned and looked at his boss.. his REAL boss… the head of a government organization so secret that it didn't even have initials, it's master such a complete unknown that his face had never actually been seen as his features were always obscured by an implanted holographic projector that replaced his visage with images of random TV personalities using computer generated lip synch. The man, and his organization, were called simply 'They'… and when 'They' said to do something, you did it.

"Your new charge," the head of They… who currently appeared to be celebrity cook Paula Deen… replied, handing over a folder.

The man opened it to see a clandestine photo of a young girl with braces.

"A girl?" he asked incredulously.

"Not just any girl," They smiled back with the enigmatic face of the Burger King. "Her name is Kim Possible. Father is one of the country's top rocket scientists and physicists; mother is an accomplished brain surgeon."

"So she's a brain?" The man asked rhetorically. Now it made some kind of sense why he was being pulled for the job. With more degrees than a thermometer, he'd always been valued for his ability to drop into any situation with a full degree of knowledge. But still…

"No… well, yes," They agreed, "But much more than that. She's already master a half dozen forms of kung fu and recently went into business for herself. She came to our attention when she successfully completed a job intended for Team Impossible… penetrating a McHenry Laser Grid."

The man's brand new eyebrows shot up. "Holy crap."

"Indeed," They replied, now wearing the face of ALF. "So now you see our interest: Incredibly bright, supreme physical abilities… it seems inevitable that situations involving supervillains await in Miss Possible's future."

"And I'll be there to provide pertinent information in a manner that's not too obvious , while also being there as an emergency back up." The man nodded thoughtfully, making the connection. "So I'll be a teacher?"

"At Middleton High. Your new name will be Sam Brockson and…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," the agent objected. "You're giving me a new face but a name that's just an anagram of my old one? What the hell?"

"Ah, a good point." They acknowledged, the face of Anson Williams, Potsy from Happy Days, creasing in concern. "Changing your id and birth certificate will be no problem, but unfortunately we've already had your towels, tie-tacks and machine pistol re-monogrammed, so you'll have to come up with something that uses the initials S.B."

"As opposed to B.S.," The Agent muttered. "Okay… um… how about Steve. Steve… Barkin."

"Done," They agreed, now fronting with Kate Moss. "Then that just leaves the issue of your handler. She's had a bit of work as well, but I think you'll recognize her anyway."

The door opened and an attractive woman in a tight blue suit entered. They was right. Even with the cosmetic adjustments, he knew her at once and totally approved of the choice.

"Molotov Cocktease!" He grinned. "Long time no see."

" It's good to see you again as well, Brock Samson," the one eyed woman spoke without a trace of her native accent.

"Ah, sorry, Steve Barkin," She amended at They's coughed prompt of correction . "And you may call me Doctor Betty Director. I believe we shall be seeing quite a bit of each other over the next few years, as per rule 14, subsection 2."

" It's a handler's on-going duty to brief an agent on mission parameters and to offer pertinent instruction and maintenance for all gear before he goes into the field?" Barkin quoted from memory.

"Exacty… " Betty smirked, And what I don't believe the good doctor has mentioned yet is that little Stevie is circumcised now…"

"What? WHAT?" Barkin's eyes flew to the surgeon as he and They made their escape through the same door Betty had entered from. Unfortunately, the canvas straps that he'd ignored up until now held him securely to the bed, preventing giving chase. "Come back here Doc! I'll kill you!"

"Now now," Betty chided, pushing him back down onto the bed. "We can't have you going off half-cocked now, can we?"

The man who was now Steve Barkin grimaced.

"Shhh! It was just a figure of speech," Betty giggled lifting up the lower part of his hospital gown. "Oh yes, nothing wrong here… " A mischievous smile. "Now just relax and let me teach you how to operate that unfamiliar equipment."

Broc… er, Steve, grunted as Betty's experience hands began to work their magic. Clearly, this new assignment of his was going to suck… although, he thought, under the circumstances, sucking might not be that bad…. And anyway, his personal feelings were beside the point. His services were clearly needed, so how could he say 'no'?

"A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do," He sighed, and, as always, rose to the call of duty.

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_**Notes **__– Yes, for those who don't follow voice actors, the initial inspiration for this was the fact that Patrick Warburton voices both Mr. Barkin and Brock Samson. Then I noted that they had the same initials, only reversed, and when I added in the fact that both Venture Brothers and Kim Possible have a one eyed action heroine, it all fell together and explained SO much about how Barkin always seems to be around and how he knows how to teach everything._ _**LEGAL SCHTUFF:**__Kim Possible, Steve Barkin, Betty Directo, Team Impossible and all other characters and concepts borrowed from Kim Possible are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Brock Samson, Molotov Cocktease are the creations of _Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer and are the property of World Leaders Entertainment and Astrobase GO! All celebrity faces_ used are fair game and used for parody purposes only, and although use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. _


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